Something Oil, Something Green...

Jenna Bush's wedding was really no biggie. Pretty laid back Texas-style hoedown.

First thing that had to happen was Jenna had to agree to give up women, at least in public. Not a big problem, her mother had before her and so she knew that as a wealthy Texan, that smackdown was coming and she got it out of her system.


Then she had to get used to the sloppy advances of preppy men. That was tougher.


Then the parents had to meet so that the grooms' family jewels could be assessed to see if he would be a suitable family business partner.


Then, the date was set and the dress was purchased.

Wait a minute, that's not her, that's some other overexposed Wedding Day Barbie.

Then her dad had to walk her down the aisle and give her away. Again, no biggie, he's been giving his country, the economy, the truth and other bigger things for years. He really doesn't like responsibility, anyway!


Then she had to throw her thong to the hordes of bridesmaids waiting for a chance to be next to marry up.


Because a Texas-sized wedding is the dream of every humble girl from every humble family--the chance for just one day to be Cinderella with a fantasy party so that your grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, trust fund advisors and leaders of oil companies and oil producing nations can celebrate your hopes for having a more prosperous live ahead than did your scrappy ancestors who toiled so hard before you. Because in America, each generation can and will do better than those who came before. It's the American Dream, and no terrorists will interfere with that!



Can't you just hear the clanking of crystal and the popping of champagne corks? To the Bush family!

Repro Madness: Helping the Duggars Name Baby #18

Sometimes it is hard to know what to say when someone announces without a lot of enthusiasm that she is pregnant. You kind of wait to find out if it's a "hurray," moment, or a "ooohhhh," moment or if a "hhmmm" is needed. But when Michelle Duggar says she's pregnant, the only possible answer is "you crazy knocked-up freak."

Sister already has 17 children, but they now have announced that they have one more bun in that wood-burning oven. Her womb must have a mini-bar and chaise lounges in it by now. Her baby parts are so stretched out that the fetus is able to throw the umbilical cord on like a backpack and take little hikes up to her right shoulder for lunch, and then back down near her left knee for a country ride in the afternoon.

Most people can not wrap their heads around the reproductive choices of this family, but I think of her as some sort of new breed of Old Testament Sci-Fi royalty. Seriously, I would not believe any person on this planet who tried to relay a message from God or aliens EXCEPT for Michelle Duggar. If she announced that she's the Queen of the New World Order and that soon angels or aliens were on their way to vaporize the rest of us to let Michelle and her husband Jim Bob (true story!) repopulate the world in sanctity and whiteness, I think I would say that yeah, I saw that coming, okay, bye now.

The new baby -- #18 -- is due New's Year Day 2009. I imagine that Michelle will register at Target, so don't rush out and buy a gift just yet. And there is no word on the gender at this point. I hope it's a girl, because more Duggar hair is just as necessary to our collective happiness as is, let's say, more cowbell.

The Discovery Channel is inviting people to vote on a name for 18. We could just call her "18" except that all of their children MUST be named with a "J" word according to decree by God and/or aliens. Michelle and Jim Bob already have children named:

Joshua, 20
Jana, 18
John-David, 18
Jill, 16
Jessa, 15
Jinger, 14
Joseph, 13
Josiah, 11
Joy-Anna, 10
Jeremiah, 9
Jedidiah, 9
Jason, 7
James, 6
Justin, 5
Jackson, 3
Johannah, 2
Jennifer, 1

My favorite name is Jinger. Nice. You don't need a new stripper name if your parents plan from the beginning with a hearty, versatile name like Jinger. But I don't like any of the names Discovery wants to offer up for the new baby. They are all boring! And if you can't name your 18th child something fun and distinctive, what is the point, you know?

Here are my first thoughts:

Jezebel (Old Testament, natch!)
Jimmy Bobby (after Dad)
Jeckel
Jellybelly
Jizzie (or Jizey as a variation)
Jhumpa
Jesus Christ
J. Crew
Jackalopee (rhymes with Virgin of Guadalope)
Just Stop
Jipsy Rose
Jabawookeezie
Jack Daniel
J'accuse (French is classy)
Janiquita Sherelle
Jodphrey (nice and British)
Juanita Rosita Bonita de la Jarenta
Jhoop Thereitis
J. Bonedog
J. Lo. Bootie
JuicyJuice
Jiminy
Jabroni
Jacki Chan

I don't know if any of these are right. I'm hoping that the hive mind of da internet can help come up with some better ones. If you help me brainstorm, I will send them a list of our ideas. Anybody? Anybody?

**chirp**
**chirp**

Mommyblogger Talking Points 101: Take Them Down if You Have To

Damn. I wish Heather would let me put a little spy receiver in her ear so that I could help her out of tricky PR jabs at bloggers coming from traditional media. Because they are going to come.

When Kathie Lee interviewed Mommyblogger Queen Dooce on NBC's Today show and was on the attack about exploitation/at-risk, instead of fumbling about New York, Heather could have said:

"Well, it's not like we are paying children in El Salvador pennies to sew and glue tacky Kathie Lee clothes for WalMart, mangling their limbs, spirits and innocence. How did you and your daughter Cassidy make peace with that, Mrs. Gifford?

Hey, idea, could we be like Kathie Lee? Is it even possible to hire third world children to blog for you? Because that would be very lucrative exploitation--I'll research it and let you know.

(The photo, ironically, is Kathie taking daughter Cassidy to NBC recently for Take Your Son/Daughter to Work Day!)