Temperatures are dropping here and my fellow Floridians are shaking--both from the cold and from fear that they will freeze in their homes or cars. It will be in the 20s tonight! And the low 30s tomorrow night! And only up to the 40s during the day this week! Our Mickey ears do not keep us warm enough for those harrowing numbers.
Every person you see has advice--cover the plants...let your faucets drip...swaddle the children in blubber...stockpile charcoal in order to start trashcan fires to burn the furniture...sleep in a closet with your pets and spouse to benefit from their body heat, and don't forget in dire situations you can fist the spouse or the pets for ever-toasty mittens. Do what you have to do to survive the bitter winds of ol' Man Winter.
We know it is cold because it is uncomfortable to wear our dress flip-flops. When we sit on the porch, we want whiskey, not beer. We have to make our ceiling fans spin the other way. We regret our most recent Brazilian wax. Any fur would help! We have to wait a week for a heating repair person. We have a craving to try that new Starfucks hot drink we've heard so much about. We fight to be bottom because the top's butt gets cold after a few minutes.
We know we'll be fine, because our internet connections still works allowing us to ascertain that Canadians and American Northerners are still living despite similar (give or take tens of degrees) dips in temperatures. The fact that the internet is still working despite these temperatures is freaking amazing. Thank you Al Gore.
The only thing that could really cause a problem is if it snowed. If that ever happened, Florida would be over. We could not drive, find food nor be able to fire neurons under such conditions. Pray that it never happens, because we would muster the few survival skills we have and migrate north to stay with our savvy cousins who know how to get that crunchy white stuff off of their windows.
We'll bring the stuff for frozen daiquiris, though.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
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14 comments:
No bottom for you.
Drinking is always a good way to stay warm. Which explains why I drink all winter, and summer for that matter. Hope it warms up for you.
That is really cold for Florida. I remember when we lived down there we had those slatted windows that never really kept the draft out, so when it got cold out, it was COLD.
Happy New Year!
Whenever it gets chilly here, I yell "I don't pay the kind of rent I pay to put up with THIS!!" There oughta be a law!
Your New England friend to the rescue, with a keg of brandy strapped around my neck. Stay warm Deb
deb...i am suffering! i can hear the icicles cracking and falling off of my fingers and toes as we speak. thanks for the fisting tip.....will that work for feet too?
poor parker!
Come visit me Deb, I'll keep you warm. I've got whiskey and big fluffy blankets to cuddle under.
It looks like I just need the internet to keep my warm!
Now I'd never considered that for mittens - industrious one you are.
I agree Herb, it is 7 degrees outside right now and I have some Tequila to give me that warm/fuzzy feeling.
Isn't that strange...We're having a heat wave up here in Northern Idaho, and yet our temperatures are exactly the same.
All the snow is melting, exposing all the stuff we meant to pick up, but didn't get to before it snowed. In October.
Thanks for making me feel warm.
Right now my desktop weather reader says it's 9 outside. 9. As in degrees. Fahrenheit. With wind chill it's sub-zero. I don't pity you.
I know, I know, we are so freaking spoiled, we steal the vacation money from the middle class throughout the world, and still, we whine.
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