It's raining on a Monday morning. Shouldn't I just stay home? Crawl back in bed? I was so busy, I really need a weekend day. Plus my kids are home. Fucking President's Day. What's with that? I've voted for more fucking presidents than they have. (I'm hoping to show up in Google searches for "fucking presidents" now.)
Lemme try to get an excuse together. I won't have anything to drink until I call in, so that I have "sick voice." When I need sick voice I pretend I'm the love child of Lauren Bacall and Steven Wright--always works.
Excuse idea #1: I think I have chlamydia, and I don't want to come to work in case it's contagious.
Excuse idea #2: My hypochondria is acting up again.
Excuse idea #3: My Oxy is counteracting my Methadone, and I'm not sure if I still have fingers so how could I e-mail? Hmmm?
Excuse idea #4: I'm out of shampoo and bagels. It's just not a good day for me
Excuse idea #5: My son's lice have spread, and I need to have the whole family waxed head-to-toe.
Excuse idea #6: I'm pretty busy going through Sunday's "help wanted" pages.
Oh, shit. I'm going in.
{Bonus Steven Wright quote that I found when I checked the spelling of his name, because I am a good yellow journalist like that: The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.}
There's more where that came from at humor-blogs.com
Monday, February 18, 2008
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18 comments:
LOL- my sick voice is me, holding the top of my nose for that "stuffy head sound," and an almost Kathleen Turner'ish sound of, "My throat is really sore and I think I'm running a fever." I can't believe the bosses I've tried this one fall for it- because the next day I'm perfectly fine.
I thought you ALWAYS had chlamydia...
Ha ha! I have the day off, so I didn't need to break out my sick voice. It's a whispery, rough nasal drawl that's Peter Lorre by way of Fran Drescher's collection of cheap Cuban cigars.
Ha! I called in sick on Friday. I was going to make it a 4-day but decided against it and headed in this morning. Halfway in my car starts sputtering and I had to head to the mechanic. I should have stayed home...
I took the morning off, but I spent it doing laundry and going to the doctor, so I feel like I need to take the rest of the day off just to make up for a bummer of a morning. But alas, here I am at work, working hard.
You're silly. I loved your Viking ship idea too.
Someone should study the call-in habits of bloggers. Or maybe not.
Mr. Fabulous, no, I've never had it, I just told you that to slow you down last summer. I thought it would slow you down, anyway.
Diesel, no, YOU are silly.
I could do with some new sick ideas; the last few I've tried all seemed to end with the person on the end of the phone saying "oh, I had that recently" forcing me to compare imaginary symptoms with someone whilst always aware that I could be one second away from giving the game away by claiming something ridiculous.
Deb, sorry bout the chlymidia, but can I still get a front row seat for your full body waxing?
You should always take the drink before calling in...pre-noon drunkiness adds an incentive to being convincing!
My call-in tip: hanging upside down off your bed while on the phone. It makes you sound truly awful as all the blood floods your noggin. It even hurts a little bit. See, you knew you were sick!
LOL...Deb, good tips, though I think I'll skip past #1.
Love that second mouse quote! True, true.
The problem when I call in sick is that I'm calling myself. And I never believe myself. I scoff...and then say, "Get your ass out of bed you lowlife or I'll fire you." Do you think someone could file a complaint with the labor board? My cat could be my witness.
LOVE your blog. So glad you found me. Ahll be bahck.
You had me at "chlamdia"
How about...I masturbated myself into a multiple orgasm coma. Leave me alone to tingle :)
Oh, but if that were an excuse to miss work I'd be on disability.
oh and you are so #2 on google for "fucking presidents"
you got beat by a site called fuckingpresidents.com, but it's only parked. So really you are the first real hit.
I'm so proud.
Tuefel---you made a girl's dream come true!!!!
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