Diamonds are a Girl's Best Advertising

Gov. Spitzer, honey, baby, sugar, what the fuck? I love a dirty romp with a talented girl just as much as anyone, but really, paying for it while you are in office?

I think you should resign, and take Hillary with you for two major reasons.

• You have no business running a state when you are so careless with your own thousands of dollars--because you were clearly overpaying for a piece of jiggle.
• You were working with a whacked pimp. What makes the 5,000 whore different from the 2,000 whore in this diamond rating system? Do you even know?
  

It's hard to blame you, though, because it is hard to be an Ass Consumer. The thing is, it's not just the disparities of different Whore Stores. It's true that what makes for a five-diamond ho at Emperor's is not the same criteria for a five-diamond ho at Applejack's HO-tel. It's not like AAA at all. The bigger problem though, is that there isn't even consistency within the Emperor's system. I can't figure out the Emperor's diamond ranking levels. What do the diamonds mean?

I understand why Sienna is only three diamonds.

• stupid name
• chicken legs
• wears bathrugs

But Eva? Someone needs to tell her to leave Emperor's, because she would be a seven-star girl at Dominant Escorts where her business acumen could be appreciated. I would happily pay to be tied to her chair, and rich boys should pay for their punishment. However, Daniella is clearly a one-diamond tranny whore who is only working until she can afford her breasts but she is not going to work up a sweat or let you jizz in her hair.

Maya, on the other hand, should be a six-diamond:

• flawless lips
• obvious appeal to both men and women
• that wedding dress "be the best man and take the bride" pose is kinky--I'd pay extra for that
  

I don't know what to think about Raquel. Great name, could be good company, but she'll have to show me her tits for me to rate her. What was she thinking posing in that triple wrap sweater? I'm taking a diamond away for that, and another for the ugly necklace.

I believe they may have pegged Chrissy right as a six-diamond hussy. Direct, active pose, looks ready for anything, blonde whore hair just asking to be pulled. I bet she bites that pouty lip and has a voice to melt you. But what is holding her back from the seven is her tits. One half cup too big. She's just, off, you know. She'll never make seven, not ever. It is her tragedy.

Inexplicably, Sydney did rank a seven. How???? Again with a dumb name. And that photo was clearly taken in 1986. So Sydney has to be 43-44 now and doesn't even have those clothes or hair any more. The only explanation for her seven-diamond rating is that she must simply be good at what prostitutes do.

Which is what? Blowjobs, intercourse and companionship, right? Maybe some ass-slapping, biting and dirty talk. So again, I'm left with a problem with this diamond-rating system. It's so subjective, no inter-rater reliability or consistency. No stated criteria--you could sleep your way to the top.

I think I'm going to start a rating company setting the gold INDEPENDENT quality standards for the flesh trade. I'll set the criteria: cheek spreading, requesting showering of smelly men without hurting their abilities to become erect, etc. Then I'll train reviewers to judge the pros fairly. I will be like AAA for hotels --or maybe go multi-reviewer like Rotten Tomatoes or social like Digg. Because if our sons and national leaders are going to buy ass, they better be getting their money's worth.

(Gotta love that "What's New...!" box. So many opportunities for new girls to sling legs! It's a very exciting field!)

I don't know if they sling leg at humor-blogs.com, but I know there are sling blades, so maybe that will work for ya.