Pastel is the new Black Beauty

Thanks for all of your commiseration at my mama freak-out during the "The Pink Jellybean Incident." It's just that drugs are so pastel these days, it's hard to know what's what. What's wrong with good old primary colors? White, yellow, red, black, even green and brown have served me just fine.

Even crack is playing in the pastels. At least for the holidays. Maybe seeing the story about St. Patty's Day green crack last week alerted me to the pastel problem. Look at those embarrassing pictures. Are those baggies of crack, or wasabi-to-go packets for a Bento box?

Lime green crack? Those irresponsible asses! Don't drug cutters know that coloring shit with dye is BAD for you? Causes ADD, ADHD, cancer, palsies, autism in your spawn and PMS. Just ask the mothers at any decent preschool. Or don't ask--show up with red and green sprinkled Christmas Debbie Cakes when it's your snack day and you'll hear all about it. Plus, one of the chief advantages cocaine has over ice is that it is natural, right? That's why it's more expensive, like Whole Foods is more costly than Safeway. Do you see Whole Foods putting green dye in their organic cheeses? They don't even want YELLOW in their damn cheeses!

So, if these are the suspects for the St. Crack Day Incident, who do you think went all Martha on the goods?

You might guess it was a lady, what with the fairer sex typically associated with decorating, but I don't think it's number 1--she doesn't even have her roots dyed, and the second woman doesn't look like she would want to delight her customers nor wait for the dye to dry before making her sales.

The boys on the bottom weren't anywhere around when the decision for Erin to Go Green Bra was made. They were drunk at the titty bar, waiting for the call to pick up and pack.

The artist in his green period had to be Bachelor #1 from the top row. Flowing long hair moving in the gentle breeze of the precinct booking room--that must be the hair of an artist, and the sharp eyes of a detail man. He's a true-blue dreamer connected to the zeitgeist; an artist willing to slow down the works so that crack users don't have to feel left out when the big machine-city dyes the river green(er) and the men-about-town duck their heads under green beer taps. He's all about art, symmetry, aligning the techno-now with cultural tradition, and justice for the underclass. Celebrations unite us, and art is the bridge between the worlds. For one day, everyone is Irish, and everything is Green!

Too bad he'll be seeing more orange than green for awhile.