All my exes and their sister-wives live in Texas...

I was reading a bit all that trouble about the Texas polygamists, and it seems like the children and young women are in good hands as lawyers are showing up from across the country to throw down a little pro bono to figure our who's who and what's what. The married men are in good investigative hands as well.

But you know who is left hanging? The teen boys who haven't yet married. Their dads are screwed, their moms and sisters and sister-moms and dad's third wives are the center of the storm, but these guys are nothing. Not yet child-daters, they've had the polygamist rug pulled out from under them just as they were preparing to select their first couple of brides. You have to imagine that they are a bit confused if this is all they were preparing for? What are they going to do now? People are going to line up from Dallas to Austin to adopt the shiny baby girls, but the 17 year old boys are going to be sent off on their own even though they have no idea what a MMORPG is. So odd their life has been--what are they prepared for?

I'm putting out a call for workforce social workers to do some pro bono job/cultural retraining for these 50 or so stranded teens. Strange as their lives have been, they have a lot of good qualities as a base:

• hearty country stock
• good work ethic, willing to work to feed many hungry mouths
• trained to manage multiple, complex relationships
• comfortable with alternative lifestyles
  

Based upon these strengths, a few ideas for their re-training come to mind.
BOY BAND
I bet a few of these kids can belt indoctrinating hymns, so it won't be hard to shift them to repetitive bubblegum pop. Their wholesome devotion to their sect can easily change to look like hopeless devotion to each and every girl who buys their posters and concert tickets. They will make each fan feel like their one and only treasured wife, even if they have hundreds of thousands each! Boy bands excel when the members can convey a knowing sexual heat buffered by harmless vanilla best-friend-to-a-girl safety, and while the religious will never replace gay men in this role, I think these guys can do just fine on the B-list Bible Belt circuit. I'm certain that some of those 50 boys are in fact gay, and imagine their relief! Freed from a life of marriage to three or four women, Branson, here we come!

REAL LOST BOYS GONE WILD: The TV Show
Who doesn't love a group of guys crushing on each other and wielding the power of their collective charisma? Clooney and Pitt are so old now that they have to pass the torch to a younger pack of budding testosterone boys who play hard together on and off screen. The timing is perfect. We'll take them to Vegas, set them up with suites full of reality TV cameras, lots of booze, money and contrived sexual opportunities with starlets way out of their league. The cameras will tract their introduction into the culture they once feared and scorned. The obligatory Hefner Bunny Ranch episode is going to be brilliant--these boys will be ready for a passel of bunnies each!

POLYGAMIST AMERICAN GIGOLO
While some might find this idea a tad exploitative, IF THEY CONSENT, the post-teen boys would make awesome gigolos. They can date older women, take them to dances, accompany them on cruises, and be charming dinner companions. Each young man could keep up with a few women each night, with Sunday off. You do the math. It's a bit of a twist, because in their former home the MEN were the old ones, but they should be able to make the shift. They are hard workers, and cash is a marvelous motivator.

I'm sure more ideas will come to our heads once we all work on this a bit. Pro bono makes the heart glad, doesn't it? Sonny Bono made the heart glad too, for that matter, God rest his soul and tiny, dark, hairy body.