Meaningful Social Work, it's a calling

In the contemporary pop-culture system, hair-based offenses are considered especially heinous. The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Special Makeover Unit. These are their stories.

This much I know is true: in finding the solution to any problem, one needs only find the appropriate television show for a fix.

Are you poor? >>>> You need Oprah's Big Give?

Have a father fetish with personal troubles that people have given up on for very good reason and/or already in the public eye?>>>Dr. Phil

Chunky and exercise adverse? >>>>>> Biggest Loser

Bitten by a neighbor's dog or owed money by an unattractive person? >>>>Judge Judy

Personal troubles, anger/substance abuse issues plus exhibitionist tendencies?>>>>Jerry Springer

Need a weekend away and have a spouse to humiliate?>>>>>Maury Povitch

But the truest, most common, and most effective solution to most of life's travails is the various forms of the Sacred Make Over Solution offered by shows across the spectrum of channels as presided over by the International Tribunal of Good Hair Matters spokesperson Maristatakanackerka Hartigartergatergay along with patron saint Tim Gunn.

That said, the obvious solution to the crisis of the mothers of the Texas fundamentalist polygamist sect is makeovers! They will feel so much better with ALL OF THAT HAIR off their heads. Can't you just see them start to perk up as the right color highlights make their eyes pop with brightness, and nice little Beckham bobs bring out their newly confident jaw lines? Don't even get me started with how much a more open neckline would benefit them.

The world used to be able to count on old-school feminists to come to the rescue of women damaged by "The Patriarchy", even if said "Patriarchy's" victims weren't such great mamas to their own children, but the few old-school Effers haven't rallied to the sister wives in force. Makeover pro bono work for the wives is the solution! Really, overall, if feminists focused more on practical solutions like beautiful clothes, braces and Botox for the battered instead of in-fighting and Obama bashing, well, we might still find feminism relevant!

While we are at it, maybe Tim Gunn can help Pope Benny. Because the Holy Father is on the cutting edge of rockstar--but just needs a little push to fully realize his rawking potential. He rocks the white Elvis-esque robe, but he should look behind him in this photo and check out Jesus' hair, and then ask himself WWJD. Jesus would buy some gel, that's WWJD.

Moreover, get the hand gesture right, dude!