Welcome to Analogy Fight Club

Analogies are necessary to human relationships. We were foolish when we were young and wondered why so many analogies were featured on the old school SAT. As grown-ups, we now know why. Sometimes it's impossible to make a point without these wonderful adult tools.

Analogies : Being Right

AS

_______: Gin and Tonic

(FYI: The correct answer is C. Ice.)

The deep irony of analogies is that they are mathematical and logical constructs but many logical-types don't like it when wordy people use analogies in debates. Logical people who dislike analogies are commonly referred to as "infuriating." They make things difficult with their efficiency and direct communication. Further, here's another bit of irony: wordy analogy people are very rarely "literal." They often are literary, but rarely literal. Literal people don't like analogies. Too fluffy and namby-pamby for them, they say. Cut to the chase and GTD, they'll rant.

It can be very confusing, but the upshot is that literal/analogy-haters can be easily identified as their eyes roll back in their heads when a member of the Analogy Fight Club says any of these magical words:

• "It's like when..."
• "Let's say..."
• "Maybe this example will help you get it....."
• "Let's pretend..."
• "Let me try to explain. This FEELS like..."

Logical People : Pretending

AS

Hamsters : Hot Plates

I use analogies in discussion when my points are so complex or so laden with emotion that I don't think someone could possibly understand unless I relate the specifics to something more concrete, like animals, international politics or bowling. Or when someone doesn't agree with me, and I think that just one more handspring of analogous gymnastics will push them off of the logical balance beam. Like if Olga Korbut, The Bride and James Joyce had a love child, that would be me. FTW!

My girlfriend works hard and patiently to understand my meandering analogies, but sometimes I push her to her (admittedly generous) limits.

Me: So what I'm trying to say is, this situation feels like feeding time at the zoo when the Elephant House is right next to the Big Cat exhibit. See, I'm like the tiger in the Big Cat exhibit. I'm waiting for the zookeeper to bring me my meat. The "meat" is like what we said on the phone, see? And the tiger-me can see the elephants getting hay, and I KNOW I don't want hay, but sometimes they do rub it in that they got their hay first, and tiger-me is hungry, and it makes me mad at the elephants and the tiger growls at them. Do you UNDERSTAND now?

Her: Hmmm. No. Wait a minute. Am I the zookeeper? Why am I not the tiger?

Sometimes my analogies get so complicated that even I need a scorecard to keep track. It's like fighting in Morse code.

Me: Dot dash dot dash dash dash : dot dot dot dash dash dots!

Her: Huh?

In those cases, props are useful, although they could also be seen as a red flag and make your partner run. Props are especially handy if you are in making your point a restaurant, because it is very easy to grab a salt shaker, a Splenda packet, a fork and a dessert menu in order to construct an excellent model describing how forgetting to charge your cellphone does NOT mean that you are inaccessible emotionally. (It that particular case, the Splenda represented the Borg and the fork equaled Lily Tomlin's switchboard.)

Analogy users know that we are in BIG trouble when we start needing extra analogies to interpret the first analogy. These extra analogies are academically referred to as "bullshit" or "hanging yourself on your own desperate rope."

Me: So when I said I was like the #3 ball and you were the cue ball, what I meant was you know how in Mulholland Drive when the actress was at the diner and then went out to the dumpster and her parents were in the paper bag.....

Her: Can you make me a gin & tonic?

The worst feeling in the world is to be trying, valiantly, to make your point only to find yourself flailing in an analogy that is falling apart. It feels like you are drowning, and then someone throws you some water wings, but they are already blown-up so you can't get them on, so you let some air out so that you can put them on, but then they are flat, so you drown and die at the bottom of the cold, blue sea. It's like that.

No, wait a minute, I take back my statement. Falling apart is NOT the worst thing that can happen to an analogy. The worst thing is when you are making your point and this happens:

Me: So do you see what I mean? Like I said, it's just like babies and Zwiebacks on a white sofa.

Her: You know what, I don't think that's a good analogy because....

At that point my brain explodes, I hear in slow motion and I see waves of light hyperfiring steel cupcake dragees that have been filed to dangerous points.

The words echo. Did someone say: I. Don't. Think. That's. A. Good. Analogy?

Them's fighting words. The original "as if." Questioning the analogy is the throwing of the Analogy Fight Club Gauntlet.

All I can say to that is: Go ahead if you think you can do better. Bring it. Only after disaster can we be resurrected. Never doubt that the Analogy Fight Club is only the beginning. There is always the basement. The basement is where it gets really surreal. The basement is where we keep the METAPHORS!

Bonus Fight Club Quote:

Marla Singer: A condom is the glass slipper for our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night, and then you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger.
Narrator: What?

Your homework is to fill in the following:

analogies : arguments
AS
__________ : ______________