I am writing to apply for a job with you, as you are the penultimate online retailer and I would like to steal all of your secrets and then use them to build wealth and power of my own.
Heh, just kidding! Actually, I am going to help you. The magic starts with you hiring me. I think I bring a lot more than hot sauce and crackers to the table, and so I propose that you hire me for a job that is designed especially around my unique talents and abilities.
Specifically, I think you are really missing out on some great impulse purchases on your site. I went there today to look at the DVD collection of the 1981 Brideshead Revisited series. (WARNING: do not see the film "remake" that's out now--and yes, I am using those quote marks ironically--because it sucks and you have to suffer through Emma Whinymouth and the boys in the movie are not the men you need them to be. Stick with the BBC, those are words you can live by!)
And then I noticed that area you always have, because you know that people like to buy friends for their purchases so that they don't have to travel home alone. Like Noah with his ark animals, or like when you get hamsters in a box from the pet store. (You don't sell hamsters, do you?) (Actually, two hamsters are a mistake, they eat each others' feet. So if you start selling small rodents, only sell one at a time.) I expected to see a "Buy a Steiff bear" link, because that would be perfectly Brideshead/Sebastian. But no. WTF, Amazon?
The thing is, you RARELY do a good job of picking the "Better Together" items. Which means you are losing sales. Losing lots of sales by my own shifty math calculation algorithms. SO here I come to save the day! I can do better, Amazon, and help you maximize this real estate. Here are some examples of my pairings(my examples and that excellent, elegant term is free to you-at no charge for you to consider, though if you use them on the site a gift card would be nice) to give you an idea of how I can help you out.
DEB SAYS THESE ARE BETTER TOGETHER. DON'T BUY ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER!
What do you say? Don't you think I'm on to something here? Together, we can rock this capitalist boat! The people need more things. The virual shopping cart can never be full enough. I understand you, Amazon. And now you understand me.
So, do I have the job?
At your disposal,
Deb Rox
p.s. You should so totally hire my girlfriend, too. We're better together!
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29 comments:
Good Lord, you're right. Amazon absolutely needs your help.
I think you are the smartest marketing genius in the world today. Hallelujah. Amen.
Amazon would be a fool not to hire you!
This post is a classic!
Thank you all!
Can I give Amazon your emails for a recommendation?
I'll put in a good word for you, also. Better Together!
Snort. They must hire you.
If those nitwits at Amazon don't hire you, they're fools to themselves. Only yesterday I bought some garden shears online and resisted the temptation to buy the paired item: Harry Potter book 7. Obviously.
I need some of those Depends right now because I am peeing my pants laughing. You should offer Depends on your site, you would make a bundle!
Oh geez, I need the plastic sheets for sure! Amazon needs you!
LMAO..this is hilarious! Especially the Alli/Depends and Vibrator/Mattress cover.
I don't know how you found me, but I'm so glad you did, because now I've found you and you are hysterical! I'm going to link to you so I don't forget to keep coming back.
I don't know about Amazon, but I'm ready to hire you to be our next marketing manager...
You totally need your own store there. That's be the place to go!
That was fucking hilarious. And brilliant. I'd give you a standing ovation if I wasn't too damn lazy to stand up. Heh.
hey could you add a few categories for us dogs?
you know, like Dog Training for Dummies paired with a ham sandwich, some potato chips and peanut butter cookies?
Not those commercial 'doggy snacks.' Barf!
No, when I want snacks, I mean REAL DOGGY SNACKS.
woof.
I want that purple thing RIGHT NOW and I'll take the mattress cover, too and throw in a couple of DVDs and CDs and some salsa because I'm gonna get hungry.
Rocking the capitalist vote with the Rock Chick? That's something I could get behind, or in front of, or on top of...
Excellent application. I'm sure they will be calling you any time now. :D
Elmo & Advil and 300 & condoms! that's brilliant! love it!
Such vitriol! I love it.
Hey, Deb! This is SO funny. I absolutely love it! I stopped over from FP's immediately after reading your oh-so-wise explanation about the snakes, and I'm glad I did.
You are being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/08/five-star-friday-edition-20.html
That last one freaking SLAYED me.
Just so you know.
Just found your blog and wanted to let you know you have made my day. I haven't laughed so hard...
I sense a new and wonderful career in your future, Deb Rox.
I love it! The Alli and Depends is my favorite.
They would be idiots to not hire you.
and when they hire you, you can slip a few of their 'will not ship to Australia cause we are arses that spell arse 'ass' items in a postpack for me K?
Awesome.
I totally need that shotgun for my next family gathering...
OMG... sooo funny!
Dory
On the off-chance that Amazon doesn't hire you, are you available to consult with individual buyers? Because I could definitely use you! Also, is there a way to let Amazon know that I am now seven years post-partum and no longer need to receive emails from them about "New book on Your Pregnancy! that you may be interested in!"
Thanks!
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