Letter to A Young Blogger

A friend of mine, just embarking on a blogging venture, asked me for a few tips. In such circumstances, what can you do? Throw down your body, roll back and forth in front of her and tell her blogging is dark smack, it becomes the devil in your gasping veins, and not to get such a thing started? Or do you throw up your hands, knowing fuck well she's fucking going to start a blog, and that if she doesn't score her info from you she'll get it on the street or from some e-book or blog catalog cult or something.

Since it is NaBloPoMo I decided to go ahead and give her some tips. Even though some people will hate me afterwards and talk about how I'm snarky and maybe had PMS when I wrote this because I'm obviously obsessed with blogging but so moody with the highs and lows. And that might hurt my feelings because I disagree that "snarky" is a word. Also, they're just jealous. So here we go.

Dear Young Blogger,

About that stuff I just wrote? You will understand later. I realize that it is just that sort of talk that makes non-bloggers say WTF, or whatever non-bloggers say, and then click over to iVillage or some other reliable news site like Go Fug Yourself. Well, whatever. To each her own Redbook. But if you want to strap on your big girl panties and blog, I'll answer your questions from the vantage point of my own personal Utah. I can see you already have the itch. Not that I'm an expert or anything. No siree. Just a girl on the streets, a Mama with no Pop, watching the crowds go by. These are just my opinions. You are welcome to continue doing it wrong. What do I care?

So on to your questions, little one, about this crazy little thing called blogs.

I've heard that I should be worried about oversharing. What should I do to create boundaries as a blogger?

You should only worry about one thing, and that is statutes of limitation. If you've got that covered, don't worry. In fact, I'm pretty sure you suck because you are undersharing. Boundaries and blogging DO. NOT. MIX. (Please don't write like that, with capitals and periods in between words. It's very juvenile.) You are hereby invited to share more. It's like if you are in Silence of the Lambs and you want to make a girl suit, you need to harvest the skin from the bigger girls because they have more fabric to share. Share more about everything so you have space to make some nice darts. And fringe. And then ice that post with some more sharing frosting. And jimmies. Readers love the jimmies. And by jimmies I mean nipples.

Should I feature ads on my site?

Yes. At first it may only be pennies a day, but those pennies can add up, and before you know it you will be picking up bar tabs and nice stocking stuffers like baggies of Salvia and Princess Pony spatulas with your trickling stream of income. Wait, don't buy the Princess Pony spatulas. People will SEND you cool things like that because you are a blogger! Once I got sweet potato fries. Really, in the mail in an industrial sized dry ice chest that I then used for an UNPLANNED air guitar concert. Between the free stuff and the ads, eventually you can quit your day job. Seriously. Tons of bloggers with family money, high-earning spouses or government checks have done it!

When I check my stats to see how people have found my blog, I'm finding that they came from very bizarre and sometimes disturbing search words. I don't want those people reading my blog. How can I stop them?

The Internet is a dark portal into the steamy underbelly of mankind. You will never stop them.

Plus, it's a good thing. Those dark fiends serve as a type of a rosary for you. When terms from your blog knit together and populate the search results of a sicko looking for ironing-board frosting-bowl porn, that means you had a sin that needed to be purged. Either a sin or some other toxin, like a boil or old food in a forgotten Tupperware somewhere. When the heathen clicks over to your blog, that toxin is purged from you. Click, purge. That's how it works. Remember that in every system, the bottom feeders serve a vital function. Be grateful and be free, mother with jello panties+goats.

Should I have a contest to launch my blog or drum up traffic?

OMG I'm glad you asked. Don't do it! Contests are wacky pack lies! It's like when you were in camp and the older counselors told you that it was time to go Snipe Hunting, and you traipsed around with a pillowcase, thinking you heard things in the bushes, and then you told them all about how you almost got one, only to be told it was a big old joke, the whole thing, and then you cried and wet your bed that night and had to cover it up by spilling a can of coke on your sheets which got really hard and crunchy by the next night? Also, someone stole your Starburst five-pack and you started your period?

That's how bad the pro-contest people are lying to you.

Reasons not to have a contest:
1. You look like a sell-out for some dead weight unnecessary consumer company like Build-a-Bear.
2. Contestants will surface from other time and space dimensions. It's really frightening where they come from. It's like---zoom---532 people want a Build-a-Bear. Where the hell were they before? Where do they go afterwards? It will fuck with your head.
3. The worse thing is nobody, NOT EVEN THE WINNER, will think that you really went to Random Number dot whatever to generate an impartial winner. Even if they think you went to that website, they will think you refreshed the page 47 times until you got the number of MyMomDrinksCocktails12, who everyone knows is your cousin in Alabama/secret blog crush/your other blog.
4. Your next post will seem even more of a drag to your readers than the contest posts did. What, people should read you for free now? After someone else---who is obviously your favorite---got a freaking Build-a-Bear?

Build-a-Bear killed your blog.

Okay, I'm totally a liar here. I love contests and feel compelled to enter them. I then call my girlfriend and say "Baby, I want to WIN!" And she says "I know you do."

Once I even had my ex-husband vote for me for an L-Word screen-writing contest. He was a sport, used like five different machines at his office to vote for me and had to scan through hundreds of randomly selected L-word fan scenes before mine would pop up. Right now, I'm losing my bid to win a turkey which I wanted to win so I could say I work for poultry amounts.

So, the truth is, please don't have a contest because it is bad for my ADD.

My friends, relatives and sex/marital partners don't read my blog. What should I do?

All you can do is fight with them about it. They clearly neither care about you nor understand where contemporary culture is headed. Also, flaunt your new friends/stats/comments and lingo in front of them. I've talked to bloggers who say to spend as many late nights as possible on your laptop. Withhold sex.
Most importantly, blog about how horrid those RL people are and how much you love your bloggy friends and all of their bloggity goodness. That will get them! Because they really ARE reading your blog, they just aren't commenting or complimenting you on it because they are JEALOUS. Jealous that you are a freaking blog star with an Alexa 4!

Also, I like to read posts like that where you totally go off on something.

Don't feel bad about it if they don't read you. Maybe they just don't have the blog-stalker gene. Maybe it's a good thing. And remember who knows how to upload unflattering photos of them. That would be you, my little Flickr flicker!

My friends, relatives and sex/marital partners don't like something I posted. What should I do?

Yeah, first they don't read your blog, and then they have a complaint. See what I mean? Fuckers. Don't forget that the First Amendment was written for you because you are a JOURNALIST and that soldiers have died to protect your freedom to blog! Even if you are Canadian or Australian or something else, the First Amendment is for you too. Probably some interstate transfer fee applies, however.

Worst case scenario, climb on top of the kitchen counter and ask the complainer if they want you to cut off your typing fingers or what? If they say: yes, I want you cut off your hands, DON'T DO IT. We'll find you a better lover, but it will be easier if you have all of your fingers, especially if you are a man or a lesbian. Go ahead and blog about it though. Twitpic if you can!

Should I do NaBloPoMo?

Yes, for two reasons:
1. Mrs. Kennedy is La Dulce Lama, and regardless of whether you succeed or fail, you will be graced with the good karma that swirls around her pretty face, brilliant mind and clever style.
2. You will no longer fear your own death after starring down the long, dark shaft of your own daily inanity. You will begin to write posts about having nothing to write about. The dragon's mouth will eat its own tail, and it won't be tasty at all. You will face the hidden truth that your mind is merely smoke and mirrors tethered to a crumb-laden keyboard. NaBloPoMo is Nirvana. And it Smells Like Blogger Spirit.

Are there any words or phrases I should not use when blogging?

Oh hell yes.

1. Any misspelled word you learned from a photograph of a small, furry animal in a funny pose. i.e: Oh, hai, I'm in yer bukket taking a kwap. There are a few bloggers who do this because of "personal limitation" reasons, and so people are pretty kind to them in that way your mom made you be nice to your Uncle-Who-Has-The-Plate-Head, but you should not hope for the same pass.
2. DH
3. Words with a gratuitous "s" on the end. For example: Oh hells yes = do not write.
4. Pirate or Ninja
5. The following punctuation marks: = (unless you are writing about algebra) or any combination of marks that are meant to approximate a cat face.
6. Vitriol. This poor word became extinct after its natural population was over-used following Blogher 08. It's sad when words are used up before their time, but now we are forced to rely on hybrids from other pairings, such as "meany-mouth."
7. Meme. Also, don't do them. They are black mold fungus.
8. Schwag or swag or freebie or freebee.
9. Wal-Mart

Those are some of the words that will brand you a n00b. See also "Contests."

Also: don't say "n00b." That is really uncool if you are older than nine-years old. Srsly.

I have to pay someone "insurance money," right?

The payment of insurance money was an Old Skool practice, whereby bloggers either selected the blog "family" of Dooce, Chez Miscarriage or John Chow and made payments to show Respect and to receive Protection from that blog's Godfather.

We don't call it "insurance" anymore. We call it tithing. It is optional, but 15% is a good place to start, plus or minus depending on your mood.

Who should you send your tithe to?

A. The person who shared this guide with you.

or

B. Guy Kawasaki


Should I use my real name when blogging?

No, in order to blog you are required by federal communications law to change your name to either Jen or John, based upon your preferred gender expression for each given blog.

How creative can I get within those constraints, you ask? Because you are a rebel, aren't you little Jenn? Well, some variations are permitted, such as Jenny or Jay, but stay away from Jenneigh or Jon or drivel like that. Truly, stick with Jen and you'll go far.

You also may have an alias as long as it contains at least a location, a cocktail name, or a fake title.

But what if my given name is already Jen?

Please don't ask follow up questions. That is very annoying and basically announces that you weren't paying attention earlier. Gawd. You will never understand SEO at this rate.

What's all this fuss about SEO? What do I have to do for SEO?

SEO stands for Stash of Emergency Opiates. They are the "cookies" that you hide from your children and spouse inside your computer so that if you are up late at night messing around with your layout and all of a sudden -bam- the Internet eats your archives and you have no idea what do, you have some cookies to calm you down. So, yes, SEO is vitally important to your short-term sanity and long-term success.

I'm learning about feeds! So I can choose between a full feed and a short feed to send my blog to people's email boxes or feedreaders. Which should I pick, full or short?

You can't even feed yourself, can you? I am never going to get rid of you.

Many, many people will dislike you, talk about you behind your back, and make fun of your general clueless nature if you go with the short bus feed. Don't you realize that if you feed short you are asking people to make a superfluous click? A click that says "I am allowing myself to be baited like a mouse into a trap." Readers may follow the click, but it makes them feel dirty and vulnerable. Let them to decide to click over themselves to see your site or to give you an advertising hit from their own volition. It's the honorable way.

There is this certain blogger I can not stand. Loathe. Cringe upon seeing his/her name. What should I do?

This is very common. I myself used to have several bloggers in my "I hate these blogs" folder in my feedreader. Bloggers I absolutely can not stand. You try to tell yourself that the Internet is humongous and there's room for everyone, but then everywhere you go, you bump into the comment trails or link piles left by your behated, and it can really get under your skin. But you get over them. Sure, there are more and more annoying people every day, but like thoughts or puffs of smoke, they come and go. Zen and the Art of Enemy Management. See also: NaBloPoMo.

The bloggers you can't stand eventually become dead to you.

If this feels like an anti-climax, remember: they feel your silent feuds for a while. It haunts them. They might not know why, but they will wonder what's what. They will feel deep in their finger tips that the feud is on. And they are powerless to act on the silentness of it all.

You won.

W00t! Silent blogger feud FTW!

The problem is you will also know that someone is silently feuding with YOU, and they will win. It really melts your skin. You're sure you did nothing!!!!!! Just do what everyone else does at this point--up your meds and switch your header.

I have been infested with trolls? What should I do? Is this a crisis?

Once upon a time, a lovely, lovely blogger walked across the bridge called "Internet" while flying a beautiful kite. She had her three-box dragon kite flying high so that all could see how lovely her creation was when she was at the tippy-toe top of the Internet Bridge. But as she stepped off the bridge, she was met by a giant, 14-year-old troll.

The troll said, "Your kite is ugly and those pants make your butt look huge. They are really tight right across that heavy part of your thighs. I'd still do you. No I wouldn't. I hate you. What do you say to that, huh, person-who-thinks-they-can-make-paper-and-sticks-look-like-a-dragon, even though it totally doesn't. Do you want to kiss me? You are stupid."

And the blogger said:

1. Why, I never have been so attacked in my whole, wonderful life. What a horrible Internet this is! I am going to blog about everything he said and see if people will comfort me and feel sorry for me and notice how I am so popular that armies of trolls are out to get me and tell their friends that I am so awesome and that other people are so mean!

or

2. Fuck you, little Troll-who-is-still-a-virgin. Why don't you tell me your real name and stand behind your words? Where is your blog? Come on, say some more wretched things so I have more to blog about, you wanker.

or

3. Nothing and went on her merry way, her kite bobbing against the blue, blue sky, until finally she got to Grandma's house where she drank moonshine and ate badger stew and published photos of her kite and the stew and a recipe for Grandma's kick-ass shine.

The End

Please say you want to be the third blogger. Promise you will never worry about anyone who posts anonymous, negative comments on your blog. It's just part of the deal. And a few negative comments doesn't really warrant the label "troll." There is great fun in disagreeing or being provocative. Yeah dissent!

Even if it bugs you, be glad you have a website for people to rail against and it wasn't your car that got spray-paint clowned while parked downtown. Ignore them or delete them, whichever you want. But don't publish a "Lordy, lordy look at me, help me, I've got a bad case of itchy trolls" thinking that playing the victim will prop up your traffic, because that is gross. So is making fun of them. Really. Blah. I really mean this one. Don't even say the word "trolls" and I promise you will have triple good luck for a long, long time.

But if you get a troll infection, it's kind of how like getting crabs means you had the sex. It means your blog cherry has been popped and you are big league. Congratulations! Get some RID, Triactin and a tiny comb.

@@@###

That's all I know, really. This is my whole e-book on what not to do when blogging. Free downloads! Now, I promise you someone is going to say I do all of these things myself. Yeah. So. I suck, I know. I might even delete this post, which is really against the rules. I'll do that after people complain that I'm trying to say people are "doing it wrong." (You are right, that's a cannibalistic meme! Good call!)

But you know, it's all fun and games, really. Fun, games and a pet iguana loose, mad and dehydrating under your bed, but you have a Dixie cup of tequila and you love the taste of paper! It doesn't have to make sense at all.

Welcome to your own little piece of the pie, sugar. Now how about some link love back to mama?