Who to Invite to Thanksgiving Dinner? The K-L-M List

I have been so distracted with birthday and party planning for this week that I almost forgot that Thanksgiving is only a week away!

My family and I want to celebrate with one of our most cherished traditions, by inviting a celebrity to come and dine with us to see how the real people live. The celebrities love it, because it grounds them. You can get with a company that arranges it all for you, for any of the winter holidays of your choosing. It's like being a celebrity foster family, but only for a day.

Of course it’s a brutal “popularity” contest, with some celebrities never getting invites and having to resort to being in horrible movies to get that feeling-- where the plot is the people who are from a higher class dip into a lower class holiday: I’m looking at you simpy Renee Zellweger and Adam Sandler. Because the underclass can cook, don’t you know! We learned it by having to spice up our bad meat and stretch our budget with breadcrumbs and pie dough and corn!

But as far as my holiday guest goes, I’m late for the signup, so I am not at all going to get an A-lister this year. Pickings are slim. You are probably the Martha-organized type, and you are getting Oprah and Stedman, or Angelina and Brad and babes, or the highly-sought after Brittney ones that will give you a juicy gossip show in return for your turkey legs. But not me. I’m looking at the H-list at this point, and H stands for “Ho,” girlfriend. No, not “Ho Ho Ho.” Just “Ho.”

This is a list of some of those still available for holiday dinner:


Brenda Vaccaro

Joey Lawrence

Lorenzo Lamas

Randy Travis

The girl standing NEXT to Courtney Cox in the “Dancing in the Dark” video

George Foreman

Padma Lakshmi's sister, Raina

John Laroquette

Puck from Real World: San Francisco

Barbi Benton

Bill Bixby

Sally Jesse Raphael

Bernadette from “ZOOM”

Beverly D’Angelo

Appolonia

Linda Blair

Gene Simmons

Peebo Bryson

Gennifer Flowers

Nick Carter

Lesser known Baldwin cousins

Connie Chung

Kid Rock

The nanny from “Courtship of Eddie’s Father”

There are more, but I just don’t see any of it happening for the Rox household. I might see if a local celebrity can come. There is this large man in his 40s who rides is bike around town wearing only an orange safety vest, ear muffs and a thong or Speedo. He’s called “Thong Man” by some and “Vest Man” by others while still others call him “WTF, Did you see that?” Maybe he can visit, at least for pie.

I better make a lot of pie.