Golden Globes "Rumer" Mill

The children of Hollywood starts have it so easy. There are jobs that only they are allowed to get. One -- Miss Golden Globe -- opens every year. According to my friend and yours Wikipedia, turns out it is an honorary appointment given each year to a star's child, ostensibly as payment for paparazzi abuses throughout the years. So no one I know qualifies, unless you count my friend Naomi who is pretty certain her dad was Elvis, but try to prove that one. (And by "Naomi" I mean me, but that's another story for another day.)

Rumer Willis, eldest daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, served as Miss Golden Globe '09. (Not Miss Golden Globes, which is my new dominatrix name, but Miss Golden Globe--one globe only in that job.) (That photo of Demi & Daughter is not from the GGs. I just like how Demi is making such an unpleasant face in that one.)

It looks like an easy job. Rumer (yes, that is how you spell it-I told you I check with Wikipedia!) seemed to stand around in a pretty purple dress and look at the shiny awards and smile at stupid jokes. It's kind of like being Barbara Bush or Benny Hill.

So Little Miss Globes is simply easy peasy nepotism rolled up in a red carpet. That's how the rich get richer, babies, by making up jobs for each others' children.

Laura Dern was a Miss Golden Globe in '82, and so was Melanie Griffth back in '75. Susan Lucci's daughter Liza Huber won the spot in 2000, which is pretty funny. I didn't see Chastity Bono on the list. The best child of Hollywood stars ever! She was so jacked never to be Miss Golden Globe! Probably lost out to that bitch Laura Dern, who I still hold a grudge against for not meeting me when she was filming Recount in Tallahassee.

Rumer was much luckier than Chastity Bono. Rumer was Miss Golden Globe '08, and then the show was cancelled becasue of the writers' strike, but they let her be Miss Golden Globe 09, too, so she could finally wear that purple dress. Ashton must have punked someone good for her to double dip, if you know what I mean. Rumer 2, Chastity 0.

I don't begrudge it to Ms. Willis. Girl deserves it, because she's been through the Rumer mill. Apparently the paparazzi were unkind to her non-California-girl looks, suggesting that she looked more like the spawn of Jay Leno and Rosie O'Donnell than of Demi and Bruce Willis. Ouch.


In fact, the big rumors about Rumer are that her mama, a big fan of the rejuvenating and transformative powers of plastic surgery, commissioned high price nip/tuck work on Rumer to change her daughter to look more like post-surgeries Demi. Would a mother be such a narcissistic Svengali that she would sculpt her daughter in a particularly self-serving way? I do think Rumer has had work including about an inch shaved off of her jaw, and the effects are interesting but a little more elf-like than Demi has manifested for herself. Would Demi have directed that? Ouch, ouch, ouch.

After seeing the Golden Globe awards show, Ive decided I believe the Rumer rumors. Because during the Golden Globes, when her mother Demi Dorian Gray took the stage, the whole sordid story fell into place.

When it was time for Demi to acknowledge her daughter's Miss Globeness, Demi said she needed to have a motherly moment. I thought she was going to get veklempt and say something flattering and mushy.

But instead she told her 20-year-old daughter--on worldwide broadcasted television--not to slouch. "Head up, shoulders back, no more wire hangers," she squawked. I'm not sure on the quote. I was traumatized by it on Rumer's behalf. Demi might as well have been screaming about wire hangers or throwing a bucket of cow's blood on poor Rumer's head. It was brutal. I tell you what. I loved the woman in St. Elmo's Fire, but Demi Moore is a sucky mother and she is dead to me now. Dead. To. Me.

Poor Rumer. First the name, then Ashton Kutcher is her stepdad, then the elf surgeries, then that. Maybe Chastity Bono dodged a golden globular bullet after all. Now I'm glad that "Naomi" did not grow up in the limelight with her father Elvis, because she would have found being Miss Golden Globes to be one hunka hunka burning pressure.

If it is possible that you have one or more very famous parents who have not claimed you yet, consider yourself very lucky not to have been Miss Glandular Globes. Maybe lucky not to have been claimed by them at all. Risky business, have a famous parent. Very lucky indeed.

The money would have been nice, though.

{I have a post up at Blogher about the rad way Tina Fey mentioned her Internet detractors during her speech. Check it out if you are an Internet geek.}

The Real Golden Globes are right here, baby: